36 Days, 14 Hours
by ComicsCorner
Summary: Over a month has passed since the Decimation event and there are still so many friends unaccounted for. For those who remain the days are filled with worry and sorrow while the nights consist of restlessness and nightmares. And within this misery and failure, there are reminders of both whenever Steve Rogers looks in the mirror.


**Avengers Compound**

It's now been a little over a month.

36 days and 14 hours to be exact. Many people hadn't stopped counting the days

To most, it felt like years. No one knew what to say about it all. The entire planet had turned upside down trying to sort through and find some form of answers to their many questions. Many could recall exactly where they were and what they were doing when it happened, those memories were burned deep into their memories

But the thing Steve remembered the most after...it... happened was the silence. The moments afterward were the quietest he had ever heard in his life. It truly sounded as if the entire planet had just died.

For the first few days, none of them could sleep. Their current situation and the chaos that followed was more than enough to force anyone into a state of constant restlessness. And for Steve, this was the fourth night this week that his eyes were locked in a one-sided staring contest with the ceiling of his bedroom. The soldier sat up in bed for a moment, cursing his overactive mind for running so late into the night still. Pulling the sheets off of him he rested his feet on the cold floor, the hard contact making him feel anchored to reality, his clenched fists pressed against his forehead, eyes pierced shut while he began to think. The silence of the room was driving him crazy. Something like that in the past had been of little concern to him, but ever since that day, the silence has pierced through his mind, making his ears ring from the lack of natural sound. He tried to force himself to feel even the slightest bit drowsy, but there was...too much to think about. The Captains senses then came alive when he suddenly felt a familiar touch brush across the material of his white undershirt. His mind then began to settle when he knew who the touch belonged to.

"Hey," Natasha spoke softly, assuring him that she's here with him. "you ok?"

Steve exhaled deeply before responding. "Trying to be." He didn't make eyes contact with her, but a smile curled his lips, beyond happy to hear her voice.

"Bad dream?" Steve shook his head before turning back to Natasha, his body positioned diagonally to hers, his planked arms under his chest could feel his steady heartbeat. Natashas left arm propped up her body, palm resting against her temple. "Restless?" The nod he gave her was expected, dreams for the two of them had no pattern of recurrence, they would come days at a time, but they were never alone when they woke.

Natasha pulled Steve down to lay next to her. His hand secured around her waist, his free right arm propped up his head just as hers did before she rested it back against her pillow. "When I got out of the KBG I had nightmares all the time. It took so long for me to pull myself out of that hole." She took a breath. "Took even longer for me to dream of something pleasant."

This story was an old one that Nat had told Rogers once before. Had told him when she truly felt that she could trust him, not with watching her back but with her past...the more detailed parts of it at least. Steve pulled the upper half of his body onto the Spy, the two embraced each other tightly when their skin touched. Steven then began to feel safe again with her. The warmth she emitted began to make his eyelids heavy again.

"I'm glad you're here, Nat." He spoke sleepily, setting his lips against the crook of her neck.

"Always will be." She whispered, her left hand pressed against the back of his neck while the other worked up the front of his shirt. The Captain was quick to help her remove the garment, elevating himself above the Spy to allow her to take him in. Steve's body trembled in response to Natasha's lovely hands trekking down his abdomen. Their lips met again, taking away their fears and horror to have this moment.

The soldier's hand slid against the skin of her thigh then to her silk, blue nightgown. Her long legs locked Steve down close to her by his waist. The spy failed to hold back a gasp when Steves lips pressed against one of her breasts she had slipped from the bodice of her nightdress. She could feel the edges of his teeth dragging against the pale flesh, his hot breath set her entire body in utter bliss. "I love you." Steve breathed before kissing Natasha again.

"I love you too." She gasped, running her fingers through the Soldiers hair while he maneuvered his lips to her ear. "Even though you killed us." Steve froze when Natashas embrace left him. He had to think of if he had heard her correctly. Natashas warmth suddenly turned cold and Steve's eyes narrowed, running his hand up his partners cold arm then instantly noticing a dark covering coming from his fingers that grazed her beautiful skin. With the lack of moonlight entering the room, there was no way to tell what the liquid was.

Steve climbed over Natasha to switch on her bedside lamp. Rising to his knees the Captain's eyes met hers again. A sharp gasp pierced his throat when he tumbled off the bed. His blue eyes couldn't look away from the sight of Natasha's lifeless body bathed in her own blood. Steve checked his hands in the light to see his hands encased in the same color red. All he could do was gaze upon her, no part of him had the ability to move. If anyone could have pushed him to jump-start his nervous system he'd take it.

Without warning her body vanished...just like the rest of them had. Steve trembled when he rushed to go and find help from the others, but he was caught off guard once again. They….they were there...all of them. His friends all stood at attention, side by side in two single-file lines and facing the doorway. Their bodies were devoid of color like Vision had been in the result of his violent death.

Now it was Steve's breathing that was the only sound bouncing off the walls, painfully echoing through his ears. Slowly Steve made his way through the aisle of the dead, he dare not look any of them in the eyes. He was racing to reach the door, but it felt as though the entire bedroom had extended itself to much longer dimensions.

He stopped himself when a pair of feet came into view. Slowly the soldier rose his head to come face to face with Natasha again. She was very much alive, no blood, vibrant eyes and a smile that made him suddenly become physically ill. Lips trembling the Soldier slowly backed away from her all the while failing to not stare her down. Steve turned back from Natasha when his shoulder collided with someone else. The lifeless forms of his friends were still present but before his very eyes, they began to fade away just like they had before on that day. First Buck, then Sam, followed by T'Challa and Wanda and the rest followed. The dust settled at his feet. Instinctively Steve turned back to Natasha grabbing her solid arm. He called out her name to try and get some kind of response from her to snap out of the daze she was in, but still, the only audible sound in the room was his breathing.

"Beautifully balanced." A voice came from around the room. Who could forget the voice of the mad man who had torn apart the entire universe? "Just like I knew it'd be."

Steves entire body was in lockdown refusing to listen to his brain to do something...anything, but at that moment where he stood in silence for again what felt like forever. Every part of him began racing again just like that day. Steves grasp on Natasha didn't lessen as he tried to pull her away from Thanos but she was glued in place. Her sad irises kept their view to the floor, she had appeared so joyous only moments ago. Steve was jerked back by Natashas firm stance. The Soldier stopped dead in his tracks when he then saw….him. That monster that had been stalking through his head for weeks, keeping him up at night and had destroyed the world he had claimed to have saved with his mercy.

The Titan wasn't facing him, he stood tall and strong with his back to the Soldier, almost as if he had not earned the right to gaze upon the power he presented. Steves efforts to move Natasha doubled when Thanos turned his head towards Steve to gaze upon the underlying with his menacing features, his lips curled into a smile that had to be one of the most wicked things Steve had ever seen in his life. Rogers tried even harder to get Natasha to move away from him but again the spy refused to move. He called her name again and again only to be muted, his breathing becoming more rapid as the Titans turned to face the pair, appearing to be cradling something in his massive left arm. The Captain averted his gaze from the monstrous creature's eyes to look at what he was carrying in his left arm. It took a moment but Steve was sure what he saw was indeed just that. In the Titan's grasp, reaching out for Steve and Natasha, swaddled in a torn and blood-soaked American flag was an infant. It appeared no more than three months old and appeared terrified of the monster holding it. It wasn't long until both Nat and the baby faded away just like the others, screaming out in pain, but Thanos remained, hulking his way toward the Captain. Off in the distance, Steve could hear his own name being called. The closer the Titan came the louder the voice became and its intensity increased. Closer and louder, closer and louder, Steve felt as though he were about to suffocate, closer and louder closer and louder until-

"STEVE!"

The moment he woke Steve instantly became aware that he had been dreaming but that didn't help the fact that his heart was pounded so violently as if it would kill him. From his chest, lungs, and stomach everything was in pain. The soldier buried his face in his hands, struggling to steady his breathing. His toes curled into the cold floor hoping the temperate would relax his hyperactive body. The next few minutes were dedicated to deep breathing techniques he had learned in therapy. This had not been the first time this same dream had fucked with his mind, there had been nights when it had been much worse. Slowly he turned back to Natasha. Air filled his lungs with ease to see her still laying next to him. Positioned on her left side, the sheets pulled up and around her, fast asleep. Carefully the Captain leaned over her body, removing a few loose strands of her fiery red hair from her face. Once Steve was sure that he could stand without throwing up his stomach he made his way to wash up.

Steves less shaken hands rested on the sink counter, just listening to the running water from the facet, just trying to get lost in it all. Soaking a hand towel into the cool water and running it against his heated skin. The cooling sensation relaxed every tense area. Once his skin was cooled he downed a pain reliever with a tall glass of water to help with the splitting headache he was beginning to feel in his skull. That voice he had heard, calling his name with such urgency...he knew who it belonged to. There was no mistaking it, even with the desperation of tone and the fear that was impossible to not know the shrill fo his own name come from his dear friend Tony Stark. Steve and the others knew about Tony not being on Earth when the decimation had happened so there was still a fifty-fifty shot of him still being alive somewhere out there...but where? If Tony had made it back to Earth he would have sought them out. Wouldn't he have been just as worried about the rest of them surviving the event as they were about him? If there was one person Steve knew should have survived over all of them it was Tony...it had to be him...it was so obviously him.

After taking a few more deep breathes Steve's eyes locked back on himself in the mirror. A small chuckle escaped his lips when he saw what he did. It's silly to believe it, but for the first time in quite a while he felt like an old man. Not once had that feeling ever settled in him since his awakening in the present day. Being in this time never made him feel outdated...rather it made him feel alone and lost. Time had fixed the loneliness and made him feel needed, but now...looking at himself in that mirror the seven years of him being here seemed to catch up to him just like that. All the pain, loss, scars and so on could be seen in every feature of him….everything began settling in all at once. With curled lips, the Soldier rooted through the cabinets until he found what he had been looking for.

Natasha was usually a light sleeper. Years of experience had taught her to be so. But the past month had left her emotionally drained and sleep was the only way to escape the fear and the guilt for a few hours. Tears began to form in her eyes when she began to wake and her mind became aware again of the emotions and memories she was trying to get away from. It was still late in the night, she didn't require a clock to tell her that. When the blurriness in her eyes faded Natasha became aware that her sleeping partner wasn't laying next to her. Propping herself on her elbows the Spy canvassed the room in search of the Captain.

The light in the bathroom that shone through the doorway cracks told her that's where Steve was. Natasha slinked out of bed then made her way quietly to the door. She could hear running water from the skin and an electric razor on the other side of the door. She decided to wait, she didn't want to just barge in, she wanted to give Rogers space for the moment. Her head sat against the coolness of the door as she became deep in thought. Since that day every inch of Natasha Romanoff had been screaming. There had been so few forms of release for her and her friends that it felt that she may descend into chaos. But they had kept her going, kept her sane. When silence filled the bathroom again Nat was sure to knock before entering. Her motions were slowed to a crawl when she entered the dimly lit room to see Steve running a towel across his now naked jaw.

She wasn't sure how to respond at first...maybe a joke perhaps asking if he lost a bet with himself, but that felt a tad inappropriate considering that Steve did look upset. He caught sight of her in the mirror and a feeling of security overcame him.

"Every time I looked at myself after it happened…. I just keep seeing that same scared face from that day." He paused, running the wet towel against his face again. "I didn't like who I was seeing." He motioned to the now bare area of his face. "Thought this might help."

"You are allowed to be afraid...we all are." Nat protested to him. Her right cheek rested against his upper arm, her fingers intertwined with the same hand of his. "I remembered for so long hating seeing who I saw in the mirror every day. I would have given anything to change what I saw. Hair, eyecolor…..anything." Steve gave another weak smile. He met her gaze in the mirror again. "Not all of us can shave a beard off."

Steve retracted his grip on her settling his hands back against the counter, pressing his tailbone against the same spot. "What'd you do about it then?" He asked, hoping for some insight for his own heartache.

The spy walked slowly toward her partner. Her smooth palms laid atop the soldier's knuckles. Her soft voice continued its comforting manner. "Worked hard to do good, so that when I would look in the mirror I'd see the value... instead of the red." The disappointment in Rogers' eyes made Natasha regretful that her experience couldn't grant her man comfort.

Steve smiled, tracing his finger against her jaw "I know that I still love what I see." Natasha formed a smile, placing a kiss on the Soldiers trembling arm.

"Bad dream again?" Steve didn't need to say anything to respond. Natasha could tell right away that was the case. "You can't keep bottling it up." She hated having to push him but his stubbornness was worrying her. Did he think she couldn't handle the truth of what was plaguing his mind at night? In some ways that were worse than not telling her at all.

Steve shook his head turning away from the mirror to put his attention on Nat. "No." He sighed, wrapping his strong arms around her waist. "I don't want to put that weight on you." Telling Natasha that he kept having dreams about a possible child of theirs seemed too cruel. And for all Steve knew there was nothing to suggest that, that baby even belonged to him and Natasha. Steve couldn't break her heart like that, not when he already is whenever he thought about it. She's already the only thing keeping him together as it is and saying something that would destroy her. "I'm sorry." He whispered, pulling her close to him again so her chin could rest comfortably on his shoulder when they embraced.

"I'll be here when you're ready." Having that assurance made the whole experience easier on Steve. Natasha gave a soft grin when she took the soldiers now bare face in her hands to look him over. "With or without it... you're still you." Tears filled their eyes as their bodies came together again. Steve continued to keep one hand secured on the counter for fear that his leg may give out.

The painful truth about the whole situation is that they...the Avengers lost. that is something that they hadn't done...never to this degree...never this much. Everyone is still trying to keep it together, how they would move forward no one knew. All they could do in those moments was bind together what little they had left and keep it all from fading away as well.

_**(Ooooh boy CC is not ready for Endgame, already got my tickets with my friends for the premiere. I'll be wrapping up my Infinity War novelization and starting Endgame after I see the film) **_


End file.
